Stephen Colbert Apologises In Advance For All Future Whole Foods Blunders

US organic grocery chain, Whole Foods keeps finding itself in bigger and bigger pickles. After a scandal that involved claims that it was happily overstating weights on its packaged goods, it later faced flak on the internet for its $6 asparagus water. More recently, it got into a bit of trouble about revelations that it uses prison inmates to produce its products. 

Stephen Colbert, host of The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, has taken it upon himself to apologise; not for their previous blunders but for the future scandals that he seems quite sure Whole Foods’ will face.

Past Boo Boos

Before getting into the future problems Colbert is sure Whole Foods will face, let’s take a look at what trouble Whole Foods got into recently.

In June, New York City’s Department of Consumer Affairs found that Whole Foods were overstating weight in pre-packaged products like chicken tenders and vegetable trays. Then, a month ago, the store began stocking its shelves with the infamous asparagus water; three stalks in asparagus doused in water…for $6 per bottle. You can imagine the internet’s reaction.

Most recently, it came under the scanner for using low paid prison inmates to mamanufacture cheeses that it stocks. While the Whole Foods spokesman, Michael Silverman said “One of our core values as a company is supporting our communities. We felt that supporting suppliers who found a way to be part of paid, rehabilitative work being done by inmates would help people get back on their feet and eventually become contributing members of society,” in a statement, it became clear that customers were not on board with the system, so Whole Foods was forced to issue an apology and start phasing out the products.










Future Misendeavours

Despite Whole Foods trying to clean up their act, Stephen Colbert predicts that Whole Foods will be  facing a slew of problems in the future. In advance, before an audience he apologises for predicted scandals:

“Whole Foods would like to apologize for labelling something organic chicken that was actually stray cats with beaks glued on them.
“I promise, our veggie burgers will not just be bar coasters soaked in MSG.”

“It is our solemn pledge that our cashiers will add up the cost of your products, instead of just typing up the highest number that they can think of.”

Hilarious, no? They’re even funnier when Colbert says them. Watch the video below.