Opinion: Caffeinated Bagels Are So Unnecessary And I’ll Tell You Why

Like any good human (read: semifunctional adult) I must have my coffee. Whether it’s to keep my eyelids partially open or in order to pretend my body is working while my brain is asleep, I definitely need caffeine. Don’t take the article title as my affront or dislike of caffeine, it is primarily directed toward caffeinated bagels.

I, along with the next person, understand the need for a bit of variety in life. Don’t get me wrong, I too, frequently (more than I’d like to admit) drink the occasional soft drink (Coca-cola) or energy drink (Red Bull) in order to attain my caffeine high. And I certainly don’t have anything against bagels, in Chandler’s immortal words “Round food for every mood!”

“So, what’s your big problem with caffeinated bagels then?” you might ask, “isn’t it primarily just obtaining caffeine in another form?”

First off, soft drinks and energy drinks, even the coffee-infused ice creams, are absolutely delicious. and we all need them in our lives. Secondly, I feel that these caffeinated bagels were born out of the necessity to make a big splash on social media and not because someone genuinely thought – hey, here’s a good idea!

These days, more than ever, human beings are obsessed with outward appearance (I blame the Kardashians). We’re so willing to endure sacrifice or pain (or bad tasting food and drink) just in order to maintain our social media flow and that was the proverbial nail in the coffin, quite a few people found, that it didn’t even taste good. So why is it blowing up my social media?

Some people have also argued from the practical aspect of it – you know, the old, hitting two birds with one stone. However, if you don’t enjoy it, then what’s the point of eating? You may as well take a caffeine pill and be done with it. I firmly believe that food was meant to be enjoyed, not substituted for likes on social media (you can read up on my angst about the unicorn trend here).

There was a time, (I wasn’t really around for it) when being in the news meant that something important had happened. God forbid there comes a time when caffeinated bagels become an ‘actually’ newsworthy item. Perhaps when decaffeinated bagels hit the world the nuclear fallout will fry all phones so we can get back to reality.